ready2bskinE

Today is Day 2 on my no-binge streak. Don’t know if it’s because of my binge, or TOM (cuz he’s been here for like 5 or 6 days now) but my weigh in this morning had me up 1.5 lbs, to 135.5.  Looking forward to a better weigh in next week.

For the next 21 days, I’m going to focus on two things I DEFINITELY want to make habits. I want to focus on going binge-free during that time frame, AND exercising every day. Yes I like exercising, yes I do it most days, but I don’t feel like it’s a HABIT yet, and that’s where I want to be.  So I’m cutting out one bad thing and adding one REALLY good thing.  :D  Maybe I’ll do that EVERY month. It seems like a good way to grow as a person. Hmmmm…. just a thought.

Ok, so I figure to help me along with my binge-awareness, I’ll start counting binge-free days, and maybe even give myself a non-food related reward after every 20 or so. (That tends to be the cycle. A few good weeks, then a really horrible one. So if I can get past that the first time, maybe I’ll be on the road to recovery!) 

So no binge today. That MIGHT have something to do with the fact that I’m STILL full from yesterday. I’ve had a grand total of a Slim Fast shake, a few fries from my kids’ Happy Meal, five bites from a Reese’s Blast from Sonic, and some popcorn at work. Soooo unhealthy, but I wasn’t hungry really. I wasn’t hungry when I woke up, so I drank my breakfast. Wasn’t hungry at lunch time, but I thought if I had a few fries, I might decide to eat something. Nope. In fact, I just realized how DISGUSTING those things REALLY are. They have no flavor, other than SALT. Ugh.  Then the ice cream… my brother was eating one at my parent’s house when I dropped the kids off. I just figured, I better take a few bites before I go to work, since I hadn’t really eaten anything. Then my co-worker popped some popcorn around 4, and after not eating all day, it smelled really good, so I had a couple of handfuls. NOW I’m not hungry for supper. Hubby’s complaining about being hungry (it’s like 7 pm) but… nothing sounds good, and I’m not really in the mood to cook anyway. Ugh again. Another terrible day, but in the opposite way of the binge days.

I guess this blog has turned into a confession of another sort.  :o  I keep thinking maybe a cup of coffee will make me feel better, but my rational mind knows that caffeine is the wrong direction to take right now. (Isn’t it an appetite suppressant?) Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it’ll be a better one.

I guess maybe I’ve been in denial about it, because up until now I’ve always had other names for it. Like, I’m just REALLY hungry (excuse) or, I must be a natural fat-ass (beating myself up).

Did you know that some sources site Binge Eating Disorder (not to be confused with Bulimia nervosa, because there is no purge) as the most common eating disorder. Yet, it’s also the most under-studied, due to the tendency for it to be written off as mere over-eating.

I know that for me, there’s so much more to it than just over-eating. It can be triggered by stress, but that’s not always what brings it on. It almost seems like an obsessive-compulsive thing, like something I can’t control once it starts. I think it really stems from me feeling generally out of control of my life, if that makes any sense. On days when I really feel CHAOTIC, like there’s not enough time to do everything that needs to be done, or I’m worried about something (I have borderline anxiety disorder, but refuse to rely on Xanax for it), or just generally very stressed for whatever reason- I totally lose control of my eating. I put ALL my focus into controlling other parts of my behavior. For example, very rarely do I snap at my toddlers on these days, very rarely do I complain to my husband, and I NEVER “go off” on my co-workers or other innocent bystanders. Instead, I just compulsively eat everything I can get my hands on. Which of course doesn’t help. Sure,  it diverts my attention- searching for food, preparing it, and devouring it takes time and attention away from the stress, but at the end of the day, I wind up feeling even MORE out of control and WORSE about myself.

Anyway, the REAL reasons a lot of the time I’ll lose for several weeks and then suddenly GAIN one week, is due to my binges.    Ugh- it’s so hard to admit that.

And the worst part of the whole situation is that I have no idea how to handle the problem more effectively. Obviously, the easy solution is to STOP EATING SO MUCH. However, for me, the whole thing comes on more like an anxiety attack or something. I don’t fully realize I’ve started a binge until I’m well into it (it’s not like it’s a conscious decision after all) and by then, I don’t feel like I’m in control of my responses anymore anyway. Maybe I could talk to my doctor and fill my Rx for anxiety meds, but to me, that’s more “brushing over” the problem than actually solving it. I don’t want to have to rely on meds to be normal.

Is anyone else going through anything similar? Have you learned better ways to deal with your stress? Please feel free to share any ideas. I really help, and I’m seriously considering the possibility that I may need professional help for this.

From Jillian Michaels article in the June issue of Fitness RX magazine titled Boost Your Metabolism!

First and foremost, Jillian says to go organic, as much and whereever possible, if you want to avoid 90% of hormone-disrupting agents in our food supply. You will also help prevent diabetes, antibiotic resistance, get more nutrients in your food and save the planet.  Evidently, going green is as important from the inside-out as it is from the outside-in.

Jillian’s ‘Master 10′ Power Nutrients that you must add to your diet are: legumes (best choice: red beans), alliums (best choice: garlic), berries (best choice: blueberries), meat, fish, and eggs (best choice: Alaskan wild salmon), colorful fruits and vegetables (best choice: tomatoes), cruciferous vegetables (best choice: broccoli), dark green, leafy vegetables (best choice: spinach), nuts and seeds (best choice: almonds and walnuts), and whole grains (best choice: oats and barley).

“The bottom line,” Jillian says, “is that by removing the wrong foods and eating the right ones, you can reboot your metabolism and set it on fire.”

Well, I haven’t written a blog in a while, because I haven’t had anything to write about. Seems like I was just going through the motions without any enthusiasm at all. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get that spark back. I tried joining more groups, setting more goals, encouraging other people, buying new clothes. Nothing really worked. I started thinking, maybe I’ve lost enough weight. Maybe I’m complacent because I don’t look bad anymore, and I can live with this bit of extra fat I seem to be stuck with.  But looking in the mirror, I realized that I’m still not totally happy with where I am. Yes, I am very proud of how far I’ve come, but that’s not really the point. The point is, I’m still not where I want to be.

But I was SO tired of counting calories, doing boring workouts just because, and spending so much time on the inernet looking for outside motivation that I felt I was neglecting other responsibilities.  So I just went back to basics. Instead of spending so much time counting calories and figuring up percentages of macronutrients, trying to be sure to get the exact balance of protein, carbs and fat I thought I needed, I went back to nutritional basics. (*Note: I definitely think it’s still important to pay attention to those details, I just don’t make them the main focus of my day.) Now, I try to just follow the food pyramid. How basic is that? I mean, they teach it in elementary school  :)   More important is the focus on eating plenty of raw, fresh fruits and veggies.  So filling, so few calories 

Instead of forcing myself to follow a pre-set exercise plan, as in sitting down on Sunday, planning everything out, then either following the plan regardless of what I feel like, or beating myself up for not following it to the T (because it was so perfect LMAO) now I just set a daily goal each morning, depending on how much time I have and what I’d like to accomplish. As long as I feel good about myself and what I’ve done at the end of the day, I no longer beat myself up. Being a working mom of two toddlers doesn’t always allow me to follow a pre-set plan, and I’m tired of being disappointed in myself for that. Instead, I’ll embrace it, and love myself for rolling with the punches and doing what I can each day.

I still love Buddy slim and all my groups and friends, but at the same time, I know now that I can’t rely on outside factors to make me feel the way I want to feel on the inside. I have to make the changes I need for myself and make my outside motivators work for me, instead of against me.  I’ve pretty much been off line for a week or two (more or less, anyway) and while I definitely missed this place, I found more time for myself and for doing what I need to do to progress.

And where has all this gotten me? To my lowest weight since I can remember: 134  :)  I have my goals set up, but really they don’t mean anything. The most important goal I have is to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. According to various websites, my ideal weight is between 125-129. Sounds good, but I’d rather enjoy the trip and get there when I get there than beat myself, make myself miserable, just to try to make it there in a certain time frame. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and if it takes me another year to get where I want to be, it’ll be a year well worth it    It’s easy to be motivated to do something you LIKE to do, so I’m changing the rest of my weight loss journey into something I enjoy, rather than something I dread.