My Daily Struggle: Could I have an eating disorder?
I have a problem with food! I know, that seems obvious, right? I’m trying to lose weight, get fit, I’m here on Buddy Slim…. Of course I probably have a problem with food. So why has it taken ME so long to realize it??
Mentally, I know what I should be doing. Eating lots of fruits and veggies throughout the day, lean protein, keep dinner to a minimum: Nutritious, but not too filling. Not good to eat til you can’t move just before bed time.
So…. why is it so hard for me to do it?? I do well all day, thinking of my goals, what I want to accomplish as far as having a lean, muscular body… If you want to LOOK athletic, you have to BE athletic. I tell myself this, I live my life like that. Well, for most of each day. Then at dinner time, I lose it. I eat too much, make poor choices, make excuses about stress…. Yes, I am stressed out at the end of the day. But eating poorly doesn’t make me feel any better!
It makes me feel worse. Much worse. So much worse, that I’m usually very tempted to finish up my day by vomiting whatever nonsense I’ve put into my stomach. But I KNOW that makes it even worse. Like, ok I binge, but people who binge then purge get put into hospitals. I’ve actually given in to that tempation twice in the past couple of weeks. It makes me feel terrible: like a loser because not only can I not stick to my goals, I’m so weak that I can’t deal with the guilt afterwards. But at the same time, I’m just happy that not all of those calories will turn into fat while I sleep.
I’m hesitant to even publish this blog. I know it makes me look terrible. But at the same time, I know that I can’t be the only person who struggles with this. I know that I have some type of problem, and I know that as of right now, I don’t know what to do about it; I don’t think I have the resources to fix it myself. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know how I let myself get to this point. One thing I do know, is that I don’t want to go any further down this road to self-destruction. I’m losing motivation, losing self-confidence, losing some self-respect even. I don’t have that much to spare.
I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. I know the first question anyone would ask is WHY??? Why would you do that to yourself. And the honest answer is: I DON’T KNOW. Maybe I’m afraid. Afraid of being fat, afraid of not reaching my goals. Afraid that I CAN’T reach my goals. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe I don’t know how to handle stress. Maybe I’m freaking crazy. That’s how I feel sometimes.
I’m going to publish this, make it public. We’re only as sick as our secrets. Yes, I know what I’m doing isn’t right, isn’t healthy. Say what you want, but I don’t need anyone to tell me that. What I need is for someone to tell me how to fix this before it gets too out of control.
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Binging is as harmful as purging, and I’ve done it all. It’s okay though, you joined BS and want to change. Just take control and you’ll be able to accomplish anything! Good luck!
You make it sound so easy!
I’ll be honest here: when it comes to working out, I’m right at home. I can come up with some butt kicking routines and pound them out. When it comes to nutrition and eating habits, I’ve NEVER made good choices. Getting better as of recently, but obviously I still have problems. The difference is that I CARE now, and that’s a big difference. But when I mess up, I just feel so terrible! Ahhh… that reminds me. Mom used to call me a perfectionist. lol If I can’t do it exactly right, then I feel like a failure.
SO Missy
What gives eh?
You weigh 134lbs - you have lost a whole lot of weight from 195. You are actually a healthy weight looking at your pictures (love the pretty green top by the way). You look slim and healthy to me - how do you look to you?
Do you see how nice you look ? - because, be sure of this lady - you DO look nice. You look fit, you look slim, you look healthy.
Do you get hungry at night? - do you eat enough during the day? - probably not.
What is stressful at home in the evenings? - are you rushed, do you EVER ask for help when you need it? - Do you assume other people are doing so much better than you at managing everything? (they’re not by the way)
If I can help you with any of this please let me know
Shelli X
Shelli!
You’re such a sweetie! I don’t think I look fat now, though obviously we all see our own flaws much better than anyone else. I’m AFRAID of getting fat again. I know I don’t look bad, but I want so much more!
I do get hungry at night, though not hungry enough to justify what I eat. I usually have 800-1,000 calories before dinner (depending on what type of day it is) then try to aim for around a 400 calorie dinner. My BMR at this weight is just under 1400, and the only exercise I do is usually a 30 minute or so jog in the mornings, and sometimes a little toning in the evenings with light weights (the toning barely burns calories at the slow pace I do it).
I’ve asked my husband to help in the evenings, but I feel terrible nagging him because of how exhausted I know he already is. (Heat index is in the 100’s and he works in a shop with no air conditioning, so it’s even hotter in there.) He does help with the kids some, and he does a lot more when it’s not summer time. I could use more help, but maybe it would help just as much to lower my standards some. I guess the house doesn’t have to be completely clean 24/7, and the kids don’t have to be entertained by one of us every single second….
Thanks for letting me know everyone else gets just as stressed out as me. I know it’s an excuse, and believe me, I hate excuses! I just need to learn how to deal with it better.
I’m looking at it this way: I’m using my binge/purge to control my stress level, and I can find a much healthier way to do that. Does that sound about right?
Shaina, you and I are so one on this!!
I can do well all day, like today but somewhere after 9 the evil side of me takes control and makes me eat. I don’t want to but I do.
I’m so glad you posted this blog. It will help others who are going through what we’re going through.
Almost seems like no matter how well we do, there is that one achille’s heal ready to take us back to where we were. But as long as you keep putting it out there, you will always know you are not alone.
You should see the quote I did for the new Wildcat Forum. I think it’s fitting for us.
I believe it’s Winston Churchill but not sure:
“SUCCESS IS NEVER FINAL
FAILURE IS NEVER FATAL IT’S THE COURAGE TO CONTINUE THAT COUNTS”
This quote is printed up and right next to my 220 lbs pic right here in my office. I look at it every day and keep trying.
(((((((((((((((SHAINA))))))))))
Shaina, you and I are so one on this!!
I can do well all day, like today but somewhere after 9 the evil side of me takes control and makes me eat. I don’t want to but I do.
I’m so glad you posted this blog. It will help others who are going through what we’re going through.
Almost seems like no matter how well we do, there is that one achille’s heal ready to take us back to where we were. But as long as you keep putting it out there, you will always know you are not alone.
You should see the quote I did for the new Wildcat Forum. I think it’s fitting for us.
I believe it’s Winston Churchill but not sure:
“SUCCESS IS NEVER FINAL
FAILURE IS NEVER FATAL IT’S THE COURAGE TO CONTINUE THAT COUNTS”
This quote is printed up and right next to my 220 lbs pic right here in my office. I look at it every day and keep trying.
(((((((((((((((SHAINA))))))))))
Hi Ready, I have the same problem with being hungry, and overeating at dinner time, particulary now when my BMR is under 1,400 cals. I do very similar caloric schedule (300 breakfast, 300 lunch and 300 cals divided between 2 snacks during the day)
The things I have noticed though that are hopeful are:
1. The longer I maintain, the less hungry I am.
2. If I stay out of the house and/or busy then go to bed quickly I am fine.
3. An apple or a jello at bedtime help me to avoid more substantial binges. Breaking my evening meals into a few instead of one also helps - i.e. a salad, then a smoothie an hour later, then the jello& apple or a yogurt….
4. Two hour rule helps me intermittently - if it’s just 2 hours I am not supposed to eat anything before bed, it’s not as difficult as longer periods of time.
5. Chewing gum and Wothers Originals - I allow myself as much sugar-free gum as I want, and 2 hard sucking candies a night.
6. Tea. herbal tea with different flavours… no limit to that!
So, all and all I guess my strategy is eating tiny meals trying to keep binge to as little damage as possible. Overoll, I haven’t seen that the carbohydrates are all that detrimental at dinner time. The total calories and the 2 hour break before bed seems to be what makes most difference for me.
((Shaina)) I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you. I do know that recognizing and admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. I wonder if you have let yourself appreciate how far you’ve come and what a huge accompishment that is?! You are one of my inspirations! You are at my goal weight and you look great! You’re not weak and you’re not crazy!
People like you Shaina who are very hot on control are usually very good at meditation and that could be something that you could use to help you with your stress levels (- it doesn’t have to be all orange robes, chanting and incense).
Try this …
You need just 10-15 minutes of “you” time for this.
Retreat to the quiet of your bedroom and Sit or lay very still in a comfortable balanced position. The floor is best.
Focus on your breath as you breathe in gently through nose and out through your mouth. Let your breath become gradually deeper, longer and slower.
Let go of the tension in each part of your body as you breathe beginning at your head down over the neck and shoulders all the way down your body right down to your toes - take your time focussing on 1 part of the body with each breath.
Then as you breathe in imagine that you are breathing in golden light and it is gradually filling you. As you breathe out you are lettng go of the stress in your body - it is dissolving out of your body into the floor beneath you. let this process of breathing in the golden light and letting go of the stress continue until your body is full of light and all stress has gone.
Rest in this perfect moment breathing gently.
Gradually begin to focus once again on your breathing and allow your body to gently “wake up” starting with your toes gently moving them and then each part of your body in turn up to your face. Finally open your eyes
(dont forget to stand up gradually after this exercise).
NB I do this usually about once a week - afterwards I feel fully in control and relaxed - and it lasts usually for the rest of the evening.
Shelli X
Thanks Vilate! I always say this, but I truly am a work in progress. I still have so much more to learn and so far to go, and I’m so thankful I have good buddies here to help me along the way!
first off, i don’t think the blog makes you look terrible- i think it makes you human. now i’m going to go read the rest of it. i actually have tried purging before- and couldn’t. all i’d do was gag. i really don’t know what would have happened if i could have, but i think putting that out here is a good thing. you’re at least dealing with it.
i’m not sure exactly what to say on how to fix it, but i do understand not wanting to go back up. i’ve put on about 5 pounds in the past couple months, and it is definatley not making me happy. i’ve found myself just wanting to eat lately, especially late at night. sometimes i have the willpower not to, other times i don’t. i try to keep some relatively healthy, low cal things around for those times- cucumbers or tomatoes with salt, fruit, soy milk (lot less cals than regular milk, i think)with buckwheat honey or soymilk hot chocolate. if you’re going to do that though, i’d say make your own. too many of the prepackaged ones use high fructose corn syrup and that stuff is absolutely terrible for you. soy milk, cocoa powder and sugar. i find that sometimes a hot drink will help kill the craving for more. you’ll get through this, just hang in there.
umm… and this may be a totally stupid idea beacuse i know you said you are tired at the end of the day, and i know you have kids to look after, but would there be any to talk a walk after dinner? if you know you have some type of physical activity after dinner, even if it is light, you might be less inclined to eat so much. and it’s be a way to help burn a few more cals. anyway, just a thought
I think your honesty is the best thing in the world. I am a recovering bulimic and I almost had a heart attack at 23 years old because of my bulimia, I lost my voice, damaged my throat and almost died when a piece of food got logged in my throat. Eating disorders are serious and deadly. You gotta have the mentality, “I wont puke no matter what!!” Even if you do binge eat or go over your calories, you got to sit with the guilt or you wont learn how to eat healthy. Anyway I have been battling my eating issues professionally and spiritually for 4 years so if you need to chat more about this, please add me as a buddy. I get it and am here to help.
Hey there. I don’t normally comment on your blogs, but as a recovering bulemic I feel I have to jump in on this. First, I was thinking exactly the same thing as Nanette. You have to do whatever it takes not to let yourself purge. Purging is habit-forming, sort of like smoking. At first it’s nasty but if you keep doing it you sort of get used to it. And at that point you cannot quit even if you want to. I think most bulemics (I did anyway) start off thinking “oh, well, I only do it once in a while so it’s really not that bad.” But that will lead you down a slippery slope. So really you must do absolutely whatever it takes not to let yourself purge. When I am feeling guilty about what I ate and feel like puking, what I usually do is come up with some quick, intense workout I can do in my apartment to get rid of those calorie. Like do as many pushups or situps as I can. Even though I know I haven’t burned all the calories of what I just ate, I still feel a LOT better (gotta love those endorphins). Also, Nanette has a interesting idea about learning to “sit with the guilt.” Never thought about it like that, but I think she might be right.
If you need more motivation, I have nearly a million reasons why not to do it! Here’s a few of the big ones:
1. Just like not eating enough food, purging can send your body into “starvation mode” and slow down your metabolism.
2. It really gets in your head. After a while I started feeling neurotic about everything I ate and had never-ending guilt when I didn’t lose weight. It took over my life; for years it was all I could think about. I became severely depressed because of it.
3. It throws off your electrolytes, which can dampen your energy level and ruin your motivation to work out.
4. Ultimately it will not lead to any weight loss, except maybe a few pounds of water weight.
5. The never-ending list of possible health risks: dehydration, fainting, mouth or esophageal cancer, acid reflux, damage to your teeth and gums, depression, anxiety, ulcers, anemia, etc etc etc
You probably already know many of these things and don’t need me to tell you them. The truth is, eating disorders are NOT just about losing weight. They are simply an outlet for other feelings of hopelessness, stress, lack of control, pain, or many other emotional concerns. It is so important to figure out what is bothering you and what changes can you make to fix it? It sounds like you are a busy lady with a stressful life, so it understandable. Maybe you feel like you don’t even have the time to think about things like that. But I really hope that you can make some time for you and talk to someone if you need it. It really tugs at my heart to hear that someone could be headed towards the path that caused so much pain and destruction in my life for many years. It takes a lifetime to recover!