Hi, My Name Is Shaina, And I’m A Control Freak. :)
*big sigh* I realize now, through the help of some good buddies, that a lot of my problems with food come from not being hungry, or necessarily loving the taste of food (which I do… taste, texture, LOVE!) but more from a need to be in control. Let me tell you about this weird episode that happened last night…. and is continuing today.
OK, so I get home from work last night, and start on this shrimp dish that the hubby LOVES! A friend brought us some fresh shrimp that he caught in the Gulf, and I have no idea the calorie or nutrient content of shrimp, I just knew that it needed to be cooked and consumed pronto. 
My kids were playing computer games, so I never got a chance to look up the calorie info before dinner was done. I sort-of figured that the dish was through the roof high in calories, so I nixed the side dishes and said We’re JUST having this. There was more than enough for that to be ok, and I thought, I’ll just have a tiny portion. And I did just put a small portion on my plate. Then my husband put the rest of his huge portion that he couldn’t finish onto my plate… No wasting the shrimp. lol Shrimp is like $12-$15 per lb here, so we don’t eat it often, and were very thankful that we received these large, delicious fresh shrimp for free.
So…. of course I ate it! Then, still not being able to get to the computer to check the calorie count, my nervousness increases. What did I just do??? I’m freaking out, pacing, not wanting to be mean to the kids; no sense rushing them off the computer just because I’m freaking out about calories. Start checking the labels of everything I used in the dish (besides the shrimp) and I’m like… Woah!!! Why didn’t I do that FIRST?? I shouldn’t have eaten that AT ALL. So I know I’m way over for the day, and that just triggers a binge. A full out binge of animal crackers and milk. I probably had 3-4 servings of those stupid cookies, and 2 or 3 glasses of milk. So not only did I go WAY overboard with dinner, my “dessert” was like 700 calories or maybe more.
You have no idea how bad I wanted to go throw that stuff up.
But one of my buddies suggested that sitting with the guilt was much more useful, and I definitely agree with her. I didn’t do it necessarily to punish myself, but to focus on my feelings and think about things.
I realized that, when I didn’t have complete control of my calorie count, I lost it. It wasn’t what you’d think, like, “Oh well, I blew it, might as well have some cookies, too.” Because that would seem NORMAL. It was like, out of control stress eating, because I didn’t have the numbers I needed to have a peaceful dinner and a decent journal entry.
Realization: I must be a control freak. That made me think about the things that make me happy, vs. the things that make me stress out. I could list all the things for you, but basically it boils down to happy= order, organization, sticking to plans/lists/schedules, clean, etc etc. stress= the opposite, disorder, disorganization, not having enough information, veering off the plan, untidiness, etc….
So… I have to make up for all those calories somehow, and it’s going to be by having two 1200 calorie days in a row. (After all, if I average it out for the week, that will take me back down to an average of 1400-1500/day, so at the end of the week, it all evens out, and that’s what matters to me.) I started out by making a list, of COURSE of what times I should eat and how many calories at each meal. THEN surprised myself by thinking… I need to organize my bedroom. There were piles of clean clothes that needed to be put away, but there was nowhere to put them because I still need to clean out all the clothes that are too big for me now and give them away. It’s so disorganized and cluttered. Or I should say, it WAS. I spent my morning putting all that stuff away, organizing, getting the big clothes ready to go bye bye. It looks great in there now, even got some candles lit. It’s like my little peaceful sanctuary. And for SOME REASON, I don’t feel like eating out of control anymore, ESPECIALLY when I’m in there. Because I had a 150 calorie breakfast of plain oatmeal and egg whites, and I was counting down the MINUTES til I could eat again. Until I got that room clean. Now I want the rest of the house to look just as great, and I feel like (this may sound NUTS) but getting it that way and keeping it that way can be my new control issue. Like, maybe I can just switch it from food to that?? Not sure how that stuff works: I may very well end up obsessed with BOTH things. Can a person turn themselves into being obsessive-compulsive??
One big thing that’s worrying me right now though, is that we’re planning a trip soon, and we’ll be staying with relatives for a little while. What am I going to do, when I’m eating either food a relative has prepared OR eating out for days on end?? Will I just go crazy and eat everything in sight? Will I try too hard to be in control and wind up severely restricting my calorie intake (like, to the point of it being too far…. or I hate to say the “a” word, cuz I don’t want to go there, but that’s like a control thing, and I can see that in myself.) I feel like right now, I have to be very careful about the choices I make because I could go either way. I could just easily go back to not caring at all and weighing 200 lbs, or I could go too far, caring too much, obsessing even, and limit myself too much. (I initially wanted to do two 1000 calorie days to make up for my binge, but talked myself into 1200, so see…. that’s not good. I mean, it’s good I decided to do 1,200 but it’s a bad sign that I considered 1,000.)
*another big sigh* I just need to sort all this out and I’m having a hard time. Think I’ll go clean some more…. Maybe alphabetize the canned goods or something. (???) Just kidding.
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You and I are so similar and I am so proud of you that you sat through those uncomfortable feelings and didn’t puke. That’s huge and I know how hard it was. I am just like you a control freak, with everything: food, my house, ,my man, everything but let me tell you I am working on it. Having to be in control all the time is not living and I want to live. The thing you should think about (I know I am) is where did this control issue come from? I mean really controlling people become that way for a reason, for me my childhood was chaotic and well sad. There was no stability and thus I became a control freak. I love to be in control because it makes me feel safe, but here is the deal I am an adult now and I know how to take care of me. Being in control saved me for years because it helped me deal with life but now its gotten to extreme and I (and you) need to learn to mellow out. How? Well this is what I am doing, I am doing inner child work (sounds lame but it needs to be done) I am trying new things like foods, drinks and going to new places. I am learning to let go. Also in regards to food: you need to realize you will never have perfect food, never ever. I mean if you can figure out your calories and stay within your food plan 90% of the time that’s all you need. You and I got to stop being such perfectionist. We gotta learn to laugh at ourselves, learn to be flexible (life is always changing and our “plans” will be affected. Make of list of things you are willing to work on letting go and share with me. I will help you and you can help me. Control is the root of our eating disorders girl, you just realized it and that’s huge. I am proud and see change and happiness in your future.
Ah, control freaks… we are a fun bunch… I realized it was hereditary when my 6-year-old son began reorganizing the bread aisle in the grocery store (not kidding). We alphabetize cds, dvds, I color coordinate my closet (and arrange it from pants to shirts to skirts to dresses)- and its OKAY. It’s my Zen.
As for “extra portions”, I finally realized that I had been doing that to my bf, giving him my leftovers, and he gained about 20 pounds. He finally said it needs to stop, which sounds like you may need to tell hubby as well- you can no longer be the human garbage disposal- he needs to help look out for you (and I realize it was not done with malicious intent, of course, guys just don’t think sometimes).
And look how far you’ve come already! You can totally manage, whether here or on vacation. And it’s totally ok to indulge once in a while, (like, seriously, I NEED Oreos when it’s TOM) just don’t beat yourself up if you do- tell yourself you’ll make up for it with exercise. I have faith it you!
It sounds like you are just really overwhelmed! I get that way when I am overstressed from kids and life in general and that is my way of gaining control just like you. I know you are seriously stressed and not feeling the love at home so just keep coming here for it.
You have come so far and don’t let yourself overanalyze and backtrack. You can totally get back on track and its okay to let go every once in awhile as long as it doesn’t become a habit. You can do it…keep up the awesome work. You are such an inspiration!
Ive never been one for strict calorie counting when trying to lose weight but my girlfriend became obsessed with it, bit like you mention here, she wouldnt eat out, had various calorie counters here there and everywhere and thankfully eventually realised that she had replaced her obsession with food for this obsession, it was hard but she let go in the end.
in regard to the binge and wanting to be sick, thats one i know about all to well, i could quite easily be belimic but im too lazy to be sick lol. i binge badly and then want to be sick, especially when i have had a bad day i think what the hell its ruined and eat more. ill sit there feeling crap, not to punish myself but to think about how rubbish i feel having done it and why do i do it to myslelf.
not much advice there i know but you should know your not alone and many suffer the same feelings.
Thanks so much guys! Phil, like you said of your girlfriend, I think counting the calories and restricting myself has become sort of an obsession. Not to the point of anorexia, but maybe still to an unhealthy point.
I’m not sure how well it’s going to work for me, but I’m going on vacation anyway, so nows a great time to try it out… I’m thinking of just eating when I’m hungry, doing my best to make good choices, and not counting calories for a while. It’s going to be hard to let go of that control; after all, if I don’t count every calorie how will I know if I’m losing weight; how will I know if I’ve worked out enough; how will I know how WELL I’m doing?? So it’s going to be hard to let go of all that, but in the long run, I think it’s for the best. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being obsessed with counting calories.
I’m just going to eat well and only when I’m hungry, and continue with my hr of cardio and toning exercises. Whatever my weight is, that’s a healthy lifestyle, and I need to learn to accept that that’s the goal anyway.
In a world filled with temptations, I do not feel that being a control freak is necessarily a “bad” thing. I think we are the hardest on ourselves and if that translates to control freak, then so be it. I think you did great in not throwing the stuff up and thinking about it didn’t become your cave in moment. Congrats on that. Family will drive you insane but by the sound of it, you’re thinking ahead and making the best possible choices. Look at it that way and hopefully everything will smooth itself out without driving you too crazy!
I can definitely relate. Oddly enough I’m the same way about organization. And I have kids too, so nothing is normally all organized at once. If I spend the day focusing on something, like going through my drawers or closest, I feel very accomplished and more relaxed. I won’t have the urge to eat either. For me I think its I eat out of stress. Plus if I’m not doing something productive, I feel like I need to be doing something, so I’ll cook, or make a snack and eat. Another thing I might be for me is when something is all organized I feel like you do ’sanctuary’ but when theres disorder, I make my own sanctuary by eating something I pleasure.
LOL about the canned goods. You might want to do it, seriously. I find I tend to fixate on one thing too. Luckily (I think) for me I’m too lazy to take it too far usually. Defininately try focusing on something else. For me lately it has been budgeting. I have a budget for EVERYTHING. Down to the penny. If we can’t pay cash (and I do literally mean cash) then we don’t need it. I’ve also been cleaning/organizing the house like crazy. With the budgeting thing I’ve also been looking into cheaper ways to do things (example: compost and recycle to eliminate trash, no more paper products except TP). It’s my new fascination. Do you have pictures that need gone through? As far as your trip…. I wish I had advice. Are you able to buy some of your own food and snacks? Eat a lot snacks often so that come “meal time” you’re not that hungry and won’t eat too much of the bad stuff. Also don’t count calories. Don’t even try. Seriously it will drive you crazy. Just try to do the general “this is good I’ll have more” or “this is terrible I need to have less and more healthy snacks” approach.
I have read that the more organized and feeling of calms comes from a clean house. Me personal. I love when my house is clean, that is why I do it all the time. Sometimes I hate this side of me. Other times I love it. So I think you can switch it over. I do it all the time.
Shaina, maybe this vacation is just what you need. You are so close to your goal weight, it is time to start learning to live a normal life. I think you have a good plan, eat when you are hungry (but remember TO EAT), still exercise and just watch the bad stuff. When eating out the cream sauces and dressings are the highest cals & fat so avoid those, get grilled not fried, etc. Most places have a nutrition guide that you can ask to see. Don’t be afraid to ask how they cook something, ie in butter or not. You have been doing this long enough that you have an idea the calories count is in things.
This will be good practice, therapy so to speak.
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself, have FUN on your vacation