I’m confused, because it seems like everything I thought is all wrong.  A girl at work yesterday was telling me that in her OPINION, I should stop trying to lose weight because I’m starting to look sick!  At 5′5, I fluctuate between 125-130 lbs on any given week, which is not underweight by any means. Actually, for my small frame (no butt or hips to speak of!) a range of 111-120 is considered healthy and ideal for me.  So losing a few more lbs may admittedly be out of vanity, but certainly not unhealthy or sick.  And it’s MY body, I’M the one who has to stare at it unclothed daily… I’M the one who has to be happy with it.  At least, that’s what one side of my brain is saying.

On the other hand, I asked my friend what she thought, and she also said she thought I could stand to gain a few lbs; that in her opinion, I’d look better closer to 140 or something.  I can respect her opinion, but again, I’m the one who has to be happy here.  Besides, it’s not like the extra weight would go to an aesthetically pleasing spot, like chest or hips…. On me, it’s guaranteed to go straight to my belly and chin.  (Why is that??!)  Honestly guys, I’ve been happier with my body than I am now at higher weights! Before kids, during college, I got up to close to 140 lbs and wore a size 8/9 for a little while, and I wasn’t unhappy with how I looked.  I had nice curves and muscle tone from working out, and a relatively flat belly.  Now IF I could look like that at 140 NOW, I’d totally go for it.  But for some reason, I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or because I’ve had kids, but things don’t look the same anymore.  Or it might even just be my twisted perspective!  But all I know is, when I look in the mirror, things jiggle.  And not the right things; not the things you see jiggling on MTV. LOL  But maybe I’m just brainwashed from all my research and time spent on this journey.  Maybe it IS time for me to just throw in the towel, and shift my focus towards accepting the body I have.

So where do you draw the line?  At what point do you say, I guess this is as good as it gets, and start putting your work towards being happy with what you have, as opposed to working towards making it better?  My personal way of doing things, I would NEVER stop working toward my goal until I’m happy with my result.  But I also have a bad habit of letting the opinions of others dictate my actions.  I do respect other people’s opinions, and that’s a good thing, but maybe MY opinion should be the important one. (???)  But maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should re-evaluate my goals….  What do you guys think?  What would you do in my situation?  It definitely sucks to have people say you look bad, whether they think you’re too big or too small; I know that for a fact now.  But just like a person shouldn’t worry about losing weight if they’re happy, healthy, and think they look good, why should I worry about it if a couple of girls think I might look too skinny?

A bit of perspective: I live in the SOUTH, where it’s definitely super popular for a girl to have a gigantic butt and huge boobs, which I have NEITHER; but I wouldn’t have a butt or hips no matter how I much I weigh, I’ve proved that. lol   The girl from work was telling me how HER husband likes her the way she is (about 5′4 and 160 lbs) and how GUYS like meat on their women… LOL  Meat?? Seriously? Yeah, I want to be a piece of meat that random guys want to look at.  *I* want to like me, and MY husband happens to like skinny girls. So… why would I CARE what HER husband likes?  LOL  But sometimes the pressure here is opposite of elsewhere… Like New York or something, it’s definitely more popular to have that stick-thin look, here it seems to be more popular to be a bit bigger.  But at the same time, I don’t want to look like there’s something wrong with me. Heck, I don’t want there to BE something wrong with me!  I’m just confused….  Guidance please?

I’m officially up to 130 lbs, and God only knows about my measurements.  I definitely can see that my middle has gotten bigger, but I really don’t want to masochistically punish myself by pulling out the measuring tape.

I never wanted to see the 130’s again, and yet, here I am.  I spent plenty of time trying to ignore it, but last night, my husband was looking at some Fredrick’s of Hollywood stuff for my Christmas stocking… I said, “Yeah that’s cute,” but what I was REALLY thinking was, “I’ll be lucky to get a leg in that come Christmas!”  I HAVE to do something about this.

If I just keep sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, I’m only going to get lazier and bigger.  I DO NOT want to go back to where I started; this is actually close enough for me. I want to be proud of myself and my progress again.  I know the only answer is to just get up and do it.  I’m definitely ashamed of myself for allowing this laziness to set in (It has a lot of different, excuse-sounding names, like busy-ness, tiredness, etc, but I know the truth; it’s laziness!)

So today, I’m writing down what my ideal day will look like, diet and exercise-wise, and I’m going to stick to that.  Because lately, I’ll start out with “good intentions” and then something gets in the way.  Like, I’ll PLAN to workout, then never find time, or I’ll do well with my eating til after lunch, then blow it with miniature chocolate bars. (ONE won’t hurt, then it turns into 6!)

So the person I want to become, eats like this:

Big breakfast of healthy, nutritious foods (egg whites, oatmeal, whole grain cereal, fruit, etc); LOTS of water during the day; Good sized lunch with plenty of lean protein (fish, chicken) and green veggies (large spinach salad, broccoli, etc); Afternoon snack that DOES NOT consist of junk food-no mini chocolate bars, Reese’s cups, or ice cream-stick to fruit, whole grains, and veggies (REAL food!); and a light dinner-about 1/2 or less of what I’ve been having- consisting of at least 1/2 of my plate colorful veggies with only 1/4 being meat and the other 1/4 a starch. (As in, no more eating 3-4 rolls; no more 3/4 of the plate being meat and potatoes… etc).

This shouldn’t be so hard for me, because I’ve done it in the past.  But for some reason, bad, old habits are soooo easy to fall back into when your focus shifts. But when your butt goes from shrinking to enlarging, you can’t help but focus on it!

Ideal exercise for the day, will be sticking to an easy to follow chart; Cardio days, weight days; upper body focus days, lower body focus days; abs days.  I’m really good at CREATING these charts; not so good at following through with actually DOING what they say.  I know that I LOVE how I feel after a good workout; I know that I LOVE looking in the mirror and actually looking as strong as I feel (as opposed to JIGGLY!)  and I’m going to focus on those feelings instead of the tired, nagging voice in my mind telling me a few push ups is enough, or it’s ok to skip the weights today because I can substitute a total body workout the next day…. It’s NOT ok!! It makes me look fat and feel fat; I want to look lean and toned and feel strong and proud of myself. That takes commitment, sticking to the plan, and especially doing it when I’d rather sit on my butt and eat a treat.

I’m challenging myself to stick to it just for the rest of this week; through Sunday.  How hard can that be?  I’m intentionally including the weekend though, because I’ve found myself thinking with that old “diet” mentality, “I’ll start Monday!”  LOL   And then it never really starts.  Starting TODAY, I will do my best, I will put forth the effort I’ve been denying myself, and I am determined to say each day that I did better than yesterday, until I’m back in the routine I want to be in.

I went to bed early last night, got up at 4:30 am after having had 7 peaceful hours of sleep, and cooked breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, and then went for a walk.  I was only outside for 30 minutes, but that’s 30 minutes  I would have spent sitting on my butt yesterday, so I’m on the right track.  :)  Not going to let the junk food tempt me; going to drink tons of water and ignore the Diet Pepsi; and eat lots of veggies today.  I know I can squeeze in a 20 minute weight session, no matter how busy I get today: NO MORE EXCUSES!  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing; it doesn’t have to be an hour of cardio plus an hour or more of weights; I just have to make sure they are both consistently an every-day part of my routine, and the results will slowly come.

So this morning I’m down to 127.6.  That’s just 1 lb since Saturday, but I still have another 1/2 to this week.  I’m excited and determined to make the best of it!!!

Like I said last time, I do feel more “jiggly” at this weight than I did last time around, but in a way, that just makes me feel more hopeful that I can get more weight off. I’m slowly getting back to the weights and push ups (I can do 20 push ups in a row!!  And my old buddies might remember me talking about my complete lack of upper body strength a while back, so that is progress too! lol)  Still having a hard time working out my cardio sessions– I MISS RUNNING!! But it’s *so cold* in the mornings, my joints are stiff when I wake up, etc… Just easier to hit the step or do stuff in the house like jumping jacks, jump rope, videos, etc.  Easier, but nowhere near as enjoyable as a sunrise jog on a beautiful, warm morning…. Ah, don’t want to wish away my fall and winter, but I’ll be happy to have Spring back!! 

Anyway, just wanted to log my progress.  I’m still very determined to reach 120 by Christmas, and I just decided it’s going to be a FIRM 120… Not this jiggly looking stuff I got going on right now. 

I’ve been lazy about everything lately!  Except counting my calories… No, I’ve been doing that 6 days a week, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.  I’ll have a few good days where I’m right at 1500, then it’s like WHOA!! Calorie explosion!  :(  Like yesterday… All I did was EAT!  Like I couldn’t stop stuffing my face.  I had close to 2600 calories!! Technically, that’s enough for two days!  Especially since my workout attempt was feeble, at best.  I did some lunges, squats, and pushups, a couple of minutes in plank position and called it a day.  So that didn’t burn any calories.

My weight is up, just as I knew it would be.  I didn’t even weigh in for my team this weekend because I was just like, What’s the point??  All I ever do is gain and lose the same freaking weight…  As of this morning, after yesterday’s gorge-fest, I’m officially up to 131.8!!  I’ve been avoiding Buddy Slim because I feel like a complete failure. 

But yesterday, my new issue of Shape came in the mail, and of course it’s helping me get some of my motivation back.  I read some diet tips, and a few of them struck a chord with me, so I thought I’d share them.  I’m *hoping* that putting these into practice will help me rearrange my eating patterns and keep my weight from ballooning further.

The article is called Eat Like a Happy Person and I’m just going to paraphrase, because it’s pretty long.

In her new book, Eat Your Way to Happiness, Shape advisory board member Elizabeth Somer, M.A., R.D., explains how munching on the right foods a the right time can boost your mood and energy, improve concentration, control cravings, and keep you slim.

1. Pick real foods. To be your best, you have to cut back on processed foods.  In a UCLA study, people showed improvements in memory and mental function within just two weeks of eating healthier.  But you don’t have to be perfect; if 75% of what you eat is “real”, you can play with the other 25% to work in favorite treats.

2. Power up breakfast.  During the night, your body depletes its stores of glycogen; to correct that deficit, your brain releases a chemical called neuropeptide Y at the crack of dawn.  Its sole purpose is to get you to eat carbs.  Carbohydrates refuel your brain so you think more clearly and help you start the day off calm.  Your best bets are oatmeal, whole-grain cold cereal, whole wheat toast or waffles, and fresh fruit, but whatever you do, don’t skip breakfast.  Even if you have a good lunch, you’ll never regain the energy and brain power you would have had if you had take five minutes to eat in the morning.

3. Have some fat at lunch.  (This is the one *I* need to remember!)  The brain’s production of an appetite stimulating chemical called galanin naturally rises midday.  Galanin triggers fat cravings, so you want to satisfy them in a healthy way. Overly fatty foods-like a cheeseburger and fries-will send galanin production into overdrive and cause increased fat cravings; instead, add avocado to your sandwich or salad in place of cheese, eat a few nuts or olives rather than chips, or have a small piece of dark chocolate instead of cookies for dessert.

4. Eat a light dinner.  Eat early so you have time to digest before bed, and have a lowfat dinner that contains 500 to 700 calories, max.

5. Snack before bed.  (Shocked to learn this is OK!! lol)  An all carb snack about an hour before you turn in can up your serotonin levels, which has a calming effect on your body. You’ll sleep more soundly, which is crucial for a happier mind-set, maximum energy, and weight control.  It takes just 30 grams of high quality carbs to get a serotonin boost-a whole wheat English muffin with a little jam, five graham crackers, or nine Triscuits.

6. Sprinkle in superfoods.  What makes a food super? It must supply mega nutrients for minimal calories so you get a whopping dose of waist-slimming fiber and mood-boosting vitamins.  And it has to be loaded with antioxidants, nutrients that protect the brain from free radicals that otherwise speed aging, slow memory, and dampen your spirits.  Nearly all brightly colored fruits and veggies fit the bill-like berries, dark, leafy greens, magoes, citrus fruit, and carrots, as do nuts, beans and whole grains.  Fish counts too, because it supplies your brain cells with Omega-3 fatty acids they need to stay supple, which makes them better at absorbing nutrients, passing messages to and from the rest of your body, and getting rid of toxins-functions important for mood and memory.

These are things I knew on a surface level, but I liked the article because it went into detail about WHY these things are good for you.  Me personally, I’m more likely to do something if I understand why I’m doing it, as opposed to just doing it “because I should.”    So I feel like my spirits have been lifted slightly, even though I have the same 5 lbs to lose before I’m back to where I was (well, actually, closer to 7!)  but I am still sure I can reach 120 by Christmas.

I’m apparently not very good at following through when I talk about what I’m GOING to do, so I’m just going to go and do my best, and hopefully I’ll have some good news to report later, when I talk about what I HAVE done. 

Going out for my first run in FOREVER tomorrow morning.  I’m really excited about that!!  Hopefully it’ll spark that love of exercise again and kick this cool weather laziness out the door for good.    My husband was like, “Why don’t you just relax??  Gain 10 lbs like everyone else and lose it after New Year’s!”  LMAO   But I told him, I’m asking for new CLOTHES for Christmas, and I want them to be in a tiny new size!    So that’s my motivation.  I’ve been eating better the last couple of days, counting calories again, keeping it under 1500…  So with getting back to my intense workouts tomorrow, hopefully I’ll have a cap on this gain and be on track to getting things back under control.  120 here I come… I will see 120 before Christmas!! 

So what do you guys do??  Do you give away the clothes as soon as they’re too big?  When they start looking really bad on you??  Or do you hang on to things way too long (like me) in a paranoid type way, afraid you’ll “get fat” again??  I think I might just go ahead and get rid of them, and use it as motivation to stay thin through the holidays…. *deep breath* It’s a scary thought though!

So anyway, I’m super thankful that none of my laziness or lack of self control with food has resulted in an insurmountable weight gain, and I’m ready to get back in the saddle and workout!  I’m going to start off slowly with the cardio… Very low impact.  But as far as weights and conditioning, I’m ready to give it hell!    I’m going to start off with lighter weights and higher reps, and work my way back up to heavier weights.  I really can’t risk another injury this close to all the food holidays… Halloween candy snatching from the kids’ pails… Thanksgiving Day visiting and eating with any relative and friend who will have us over…. and of course, all the weeks leading up to Christmas, getting together with loved ones, weekends spent shopping from sunrise to sunset (eating out a lot) etc… I need to be able to workout!  I don’t plan on making a pig of myself, but I do plan on enjoying myself and my family, focusing on good conversations infinitely more than the calorie content of what’s being served.    I’m so excited….  Can you tell?  ;)  It’s just, everyone’s always so happy around the holidays, and since it’s cold and wintery, there’s nothing much else to do but spend time with the family; and I love every minute of it!

I just know myself, and since restraint is not my strong suit, I need to be able to work off the calorie surplus that’s sure to be coming my way. 

I’m NOT excited to be back to counting calories, but I know it’s necessary to get on track.  I’m really surprised I haven’t gained a ton of weight over the past several days, but the scale doesn’t lie….  I “feel” fatter though, but that may just be a result of how I perceive myself and my recent actions. (Or lack of action!! lol)  Hopefully a week or two back in good form will get my self confidence back where it needs to be. 

So my plan, starting today (I was hesitant to start in the middle of the week, but hey, there’s no time like the present!) is to do a daily 45 minute fast walk, 20-30 minutes of low impact step (depending on how my foot feels) and pick my weights up every single time I get a chance.  (While watching TV, cooking, etc, in addition to structured workout time.)  I always feel like I’m really doing my best when I stand in front of the TV and do squats and lunges instead of sitting on the couch eating popcorn with my husband.  lol  Or when I do shoulder presses in between stirring dinner instead of whatever else….  Keeps me focused.    (I’m sure I look like a dork though, but hey,  it works! lol)

So hopefully my weigh in this week will be ok, though I’m not hoping for more than a maintain this first week.  My water intake has been low too, so increasing it back to where it needs to be might show a gain on the scale the first couple of days; I’m not worried about it, just hoping to be back to losing next week!

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to encourage me and support me while I was in my funk.  It really means a lot to me to have the support of great people like you!!  I definitely feel blessed to be part of such a wonderful group.

Okay, tantrum over.  :)  But seriously, I have to get it together SOON or I’m gonna be gaining some serious weight. I feel lost right now…. I need a clear cut path back to my goal!